31
Aug

My Spiritual Journey (Part 2 of 3)


Hi so in this next video I’m gonna
continue what I started in the previous video, continue talking about my
spiritual journey. I think this is going to be video number 2 of 3 so I’ll get
straight into it. So in the previous video I talked about
how I started to have this curiosity and interest in life, especially in the
deeper side of life, but by the time I was like 16-17, I kind of
started to go in a different direction and started to embrace a more hedonistic
kind of lifestyle. When I was 15 or 16 I started to feel really like I wanted to
leave home. I didn’t have any connection to family life, I had kind of a bit of a
rough upbringing. I just wanted to leave and so in my in my heart I’d kind of
left home by the time I was 15 and I was just waiting to to find an opportunity
to leave. When I was 16 -17, I sort of started to discover the party life and
started to go out and discover sex and drugs and started to explore sensuality,
and this kind of took me in a different direction because although I was still
curious about life and still you know thought about it, my focus shifted to
no longer think so much about those things or focus on them so much as I
then became embroiled and really embedded in a hedonistic lifestyle. The
main thing for me was that I wanted wanted to have fun and I did have fun;
partying and having fun was the main aim for me. As I say I, still kept up my
creative side, I was still writing and exploring the sort of hidden side of
life in my own way at this time but I was beginning to see things in
ever more materialistic ways. When I look back it sort of happened without me
thinking really. I kind of developed a more materialistic outlook and started
to look at my experiences in terms of psychological explanations, in terms of
neuroscience and sort of the physical sciences. And my whole outlook at this
time was becoming more and more materialistic as I started to
really question everything in terms of materialistic values. Not that it was
clear-cut for me, it was kind of more confusing because there was this other
side to me, this other side to my life that I couldn’t really quite explain. So
it was a confusing mishmash and by the time I was 21 22
nothing was kind of stable in terms of my worldview
I had a mixture of materialistic views kind of pseudo-scientific religious
views to philosophical views and spiritual – it was all kind of a mishmash But my twenties actually turned out to be quite a roller coaster. It was a real
mix of great joys and great fun and hedonistic, sensual, sexual experience, but at the same time it was also a mix of great suffering and pain and deep
emotional intellectual and spiritual difficulty I found it very confusing
this whole period as I was kind of toying with ways of understanding that
just didn’t seem to work nowhere wherever I looked I couldn’t find
answers. I mean I could find temporary answers but then they would soon unravel In my personal life I went to yeah real lows in my personal experience, at the
time I didn’t think that they were lows but when I look back I kind of really
didn’t take care of myself in terms of my personal relationships and the risks
I was taking and the kind of abuse to myself and to other people in terms of
how I was treating people and also in terms of the way that I would you know
really kind of take things to extremes and I guess I was exploring the
boundaries of my experience but also I wasn’t really doing it with any thought.
I was just kind of going with the times and the people around me and when I look back it was actually a very dark period
even though at the time I thought I was having a great time. I was kind of
alienated from myself really but I didn’t know it. Yet I was also alienated from this sense of presence within me and this sense of
presence in the world, whatever you call it. I didn’t feel that I was connected to
it any longer and so I didn’t question it or look for
it or wonder what it was because I was just lost in the game of life and I kind
of had, not quite, but almost given up thinking about it really. But it was also
during this time in my sort of twenties that I experienced real kind of physical
suffering. I became ill several times in some some cases very seriously where I
thought that actually only had a few years left to live –
that was what I kind of believed and it was then that I really kind of was
shocked into thinking about my own mortality and lots of things going
on at that time made me really kind of wake up to the important things in life
and help me kind of shift to thinking again about what was the point. It seemed
to me like it was sort of sadistic to have this thing called life that could
understand something of the universe just so long enough to suffer the
experience of facing complete obliteration. So my thoughts turned to
kind of the big issues and the nature of existence and you know the
the nature of this presence or energy or source, or source of being, and
I kind of couldn’t take the religious views at face value, and philosophical
approaches here seemed to kind of lead to dead ends, and science itself seemed to
also lead to a kind of dead end when you actually followed thoughts to their
conclusions. And so I couldn’t reconcile my experience with what was out there. But also I couldn’t get to the position of just blindly believing either, but
then again I couldn’t, I couldn’t get past the idea that I had to take a
position, at least with regard to a basic belief as to whether I believed there
were there was something or not, because how could I ever come to discover
whether there was anything if I didn’t actually believe that there was
something there to discover, and I couldn’t get past this point really, I
couldn’t get any further than this basic stumbling block and it stopped me from
moving forward, so I kept kind of going around in circles really with this
particular thought. And I guess also at this time I was kind of really looking
for some kind of sign that there was something there, so I kind of predicated
my whole position of (on) “well if there is something there for me to discover then
surely I would get some kind of indication of it”, but there wasn’t not as
far as I could tell. And so again this presented a stumbling block for me to go
any further. But then it was a certain kind of low point I remember that I just
had enough with this way of thinking and I went to the park one day in central
London and I just sat on a park bench and I’ve
been thinking: this way of thinking is perhaps not really the best approach.
That I was kind of holding the truth to ransom, that I was maybe expecting
reality to conform to my view of things but I remember sitting there and I was
actually quite calm and I kind of just realized that the problem wasn’t to do
with me not having a sign or not being able to get past this basic belief issue,
or the problem was not the way I thought about things, but it was actually much
simpler than that. That it was because the reason why I didn’t know or couldn’t
find out anything was because I wasn’t looking. I hadn’t actually made the step
of deciding to look and this was a kind of a simple and quiet revelation and
revolution for me because I realized that what I had been doing was not
actually doing anything but thinking about it. And that hadn’t really got me
anywhere. And so I kind of within myself made this kind of deal like to this to
this inner presence this source to this thing that I had known and that I had
experience of. It was there on the bench actually that I sort of said to myself
with a sense of seriousness and purpose and occasion: “OK, now I’m gonna look for
you and I’m gonna see what happens.” And it was a turning point for me because it
was then that I really began to not just think about spirituality and all of the
different issues but to actually do something about finding the truth. And so it was then from around 2003 2004 that I made this first serious step on
the spiritual journey in the narrow sense, in terms of consciously
looking for spirituality, for spiritual answers, for the truth, looking for God
you could say, and it was then that I started to walk along the path as it
were to find those answers and to regain and reconnect with this inquiry and
curiosity that I had earlier in my life. So I started to deal with it in a
different way and yeah it would still take many many years before it actually
turned into something else and there were many evolutions and so on, but I began to
walk along the road of the spiritual journey, from this time. And yeah it was
it was a decisive step! So that’s all for this video, in the next video I’m gonna
talk about what happens next and so watch out for that. Thanks for
watching

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