11
Oct

GOP Jesus


– Truly I say unto you, whoever welcomes one of these little ones in my name might be letting in a murderer or a drug. Let’s get her to a
detention center, you know, until we can figure out what’s going on. I was hungry and you
gave me something to eat. I was thirsty and you gave
me something to drink. And behold, now I’m all lazy and entitled. You shouldn’t have done that. Do unto others as you suspect they might want to do unto you. What is a man profited if
he gain the whole world, but lose his soul? A lot, he is profited a lot. One soul for the whole world?
That is an amazing deal. Why do you look at the speck
of dust in your brother’s eye, but ignore the plank in your own? Because of… – Her emails. – Yes. If a man strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him and shoot
him, that is the law. If you want to be perfect,
go, sell all the possessions that you have and give the
money to a solid mutual fund. By this they will know
that you are my disciples, that you say Merry Christmas! Christ, Christmas! That’s my name in there
and I put it in there because I wanted it in there so we could all celebrate
big boy Jesus birthday time! OK? OK. – Rabbi, rabbi. Surely you can heal me.
– My child, of course I could, but
who would pay for it? – What, I don’t understand. I don’t have any money.
– Yes, it’s a sad story, but it does not make me responsible. It is super duper easy for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. The richer the better, really. Maybe get a solid gold
house just to be sure. Love your neighbor as yourself, unless you are better than your neighbor. Then tell them that they’re weird and you do not want to bake them a cake. You have heard it said, thou
shalt not commit adultery, but I say to you any man who
looks upon a woman with lust in his heart should go ahead
and do what he’s gotta do. – Lord, your followers grow hungry and we have only this fish and bread. – Oh, sweet. – Boo.

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100 Comments

  • Friend Dog Studios says:

    Like if we are wrong about what Jesus said
    Dislike if we are wrong about being wrong about what Jesus said
    Heart if you are confused
    Reply if you are the devil
    Do nothing if you want to give us a billion money

  • BrightEyes says:

    It's sad that this isn't even satire, it's reality. . .

  • Ethan Lin says:

    Honestly funny, coming from a libertarian

  • Drawing Freesryle says:

    😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣😂

  • Olly says:

    I hope everyone who liked this video and is anti-republican drives a piece of crap car and lives in a house that's falling apart so that you can relate to all those immigrants you're so fond of supporting and actually justify your irrational political beliefs that you tout! =D

    Edit: also hope you leave your doors unlocked at night and allow those in poverty to live within your walls. (FYI, I'm not pro-Wall, but I'm not open borders either)

  • rcarrona says:

    10 seconds in…thumbs up

  • Jose Esparza says:

    Over 40 weters in sanctuary city will collapsr all American Pentagon anaverseries no doubt thete no free housing and even if Bernie would truly tax we are aim to die way before 31 years without asking for social security benefit statistics prove me wrong its capitalism not socialism

  • Sako Tikka says:

    Why don’t you be real brave and do the same with Mohammad?

  • J S says:

    You could do better, put some more effort in this. The GOP has sooo much material that hypocritical. The GOP would crucify the christ of the second coming the evangelicals that support the GOP are the modern day pharisees.

  • Jon Ram says:

    Failing to distinguish the difference between the power and capabilities of Jesus and of our government…
    How dumb liberals are

  • current_interest says:

    Why do we worship Jesus in the first place? He said some pretty loony and grandiose things. Even Paul/Saul sayeth as such but for he believe but I don't believe

  • xýpnios I gńosi says:

    Just have faith in Jesus! even if you kill someone or rape a kid, it's okay as long as you have faith, i will forgive you. If you are a good citizen, you don't have faith in me, you go to hell in eternity eternal flame. I am a jealous god, just worship me like no other, or i will kill them. I know I am narcissistic but I am god, you can't do something about it.

  • Derrick Castle says:

    Wow this is bullshit lol

  • Shanard Smith says:

    Amazing.

  • Alexander Leal says:

    Wonderfully created!!! That’s your Republican Jesus, full of empathy, compassion, unselfishness, and above all love for what Jesus represents… Oh shit, are we talking about the ACTUAL JESUS ON THE HOLLY BOOK? Or the ALTERNATIVE REPUBLICAN JESUS???

  • Bay Whitaker says:

    So funny can't wait to share

  • Merry says:

    You know, I think Christianity is bullshit. But even I agree that republicans are the most un-christian people in the world.

  • Stylez Beast Mode says:

    Lmao 😂😂😂🤣tgis is basically how every christian behave 🤣🤣🤣🤣

  • laberlaban says:

    It goes to proove that it's really ignorant to believe in gods, especially believing in just one god 🤮

  • Luebla Blacknell says:

    Of course- he is white & have white privilege! That is not the way he is described in the so- called Christian Bible—What color is brass? What is wooly/curly hair? It does not say anything about blonde eyes & blue eyes…..& this is in YOUR BIBLE……..

  • Alex P says:

    I'm a former Christian (used to be SUPER fucking hardcore) but I dont have anything against regular Jesus. I really hope he actually existed and I hope he was as cool as the English bible put him out to be an shit, but godDAMN the Jesus I always hear about from most peeps on the "religious Right" Im pretty sure have the completely wrong idea about the guy.

    Jesus seemed cool as shit. If he is God I wish he'd just teleport himself in front of Congress and'd be like "…Fuckers…that is not me, like, at ALL. You jacked up the enTIRE story Fam"

  • Randy Staley says:

    Can't wait to see Dem Jesus. Lol.

  • BobbyBerberyan says:

    Trump is the Antichrist.

  • sheila Smith says:

    The funny thing is that the evangelicals really interpret the Bible this way.

  • Curious InKilleen says:

    Matthew 21:13 He said to them, “The Scriptures declare, ‘My Temple will be called a house of prayer,’ but you have turned it into a den of thieves!”

  • Maudie Icrochet says:

    That hit the mark.

  • Porky Hontas says:

    This is so true. Republicans, the other white meat.

  • NWPGK81 says:

    This skit is a terrible strawman. Family Guy represents this way better at representing this sort of stuff.

  • Jon Oshei says:

    🤣

  • Lizardking5150 says:

    We have to make sure the Roman's and Ceaser get thier bread first and orange tanning oil, and bleach for hair.

  • Yale Bender says:

    You forgot to mention though shall not kill.

  • Nina says:

    Jesus most likely was a conservative… So called Christians that are liberal democrats are like oil & water…a total contradiction… how is this isn’t funny or accurate…? 🤨somebody failed theology here

  • Carl P. says:

    Jesus advocated for Socialism which was responsible for 160-180 mil deaths in the 20th century alone. He advocated for theft and redistribution of wealth rather than Charity. He advocated for the destruction of the nuclear family, infanticide and for mother's to murder their offspring no matter what month. He advocated for lies, smugness, narcissism, and to not "give unto caesar what what is his" but to disobey immigration laws because entitled criminals who know of legal ports of entry shouldn't have to follow them. He advocated to call individuals bigots, xenophobes and white supremacists even when they weren't and even when the opposing ridiculing side advocated for similar immigration policies and border security but didn't have the balls to implement them let alone enforce the Constitution.

    Black is white and cold is heat.

  • Ralph Colerick says:

    thought provoking for me

  • Carol Jo Martin says:

    I live a more Christian lifestyle than most of those who call themselves Christian these days, and I'm an atheist.

  • CrystalCoyoteX says:

    You beautiful monster. :3

  • wannabe to wasabe says:

    I am a believer of Christ. I've been so for many years and have had one incident where I could no longer deny my faith. Since I moved from home to attend college I have been berated by other members of churches for taking positions on matters of public policy that I have, i.e. I was not politically conservative enough. I ask, what is not Christian about supported the designation of protected lands, such as wilderness areas, National Park units and truly managing National Forests under the Multiple Use Act where all five major resource groups have equal footing, instead of timber and grazing completely dominating the process? What is not Christian about supporting the Endangered Species Act, after all God created all these species and God is all knowing and wise, so what gives us the right to disregard this wisdom and not give a lick about what we are destroying, every day, at an alarming rate? What is not Christian about voting for a city to end a contract with a poorly performing private fire department and establish a city fire department that doesn't hide its deficiencies from state and city inspectors? How about encouraging contraceptive advice and education available for all women, no matter their income level, age or country of residency. Added is the fact that the highest teenage pregnancy rates exist in places where "abstinence" is the only information given. Yes, I've been told I need to follow the "party line" to be "saved." How about many of the Christian religion denominations in the U.S. prohibiting women to take positions of responsibility in church organizations or even teach Sunday School to boys. They say it is biblical, but then ignore a few verses that say women cannot even speak or make a sound inside a church. They know that can't get away with that one so they sweep those verses under the rug. Funny thing, I don't find any of the above prescribed in the Bible.

  • wannabe to wasabe says:

    A late very good friend of mine was Catholic as far as church membership and also was a frequent world traveler. He most often did so without joining tour groups or using travel agents. He really knew his way around a lot of distant and remote, as well as some non remote locations in the 150 countries he visited in his life. I don't recall all of what he said, but he mentioned that Gandhi once asked some high ranking official of a Christian religion "why is it that so many of your Christians seem so unlike your Christ?"

  • Sylliboi Swag says:

    This was spot-on!

  • Spicy Artisan Hipster Salami says:

    “Big Boy Jesus Birthday Time” is the new name for Christmas around here now. Yup

  • susie mann says:

    GOP Jesus is another False Narrative of the Pagan Muslims who worship the Moon god, Allah, a Barran loveless planet!!! Whereas, Jesus is real and still has shown his love in America through the Republican Party, unlike the Liberals who worship Lust and Money. At least the GOP JESUS doesn't tell people to fly planes into Buildings or run down children or rape them.

  • Sandra Gates says:

    Oh, how I want to share this

  • Noel Anderson says:

    Looking forward to the "Jesus: Progressive" follow up.

  • Peejay Bee says:

    Very accurate!

  • Jgmatp says:

    ….Regular Jesus. vs Republican Jesus. Regular Jesus ftw.

  • sarcasmo57 says:

    Thought must not get an abortion, but my mistresses may geteth abortions.

  • Kevin Slater says:

    The modern Republican party doesn't follow Jesus, it follows Malthus who's philosophy just makes them feel better about themselves for being rich assholes.

  • Flummoxed Marmoset says:

    Republicans will be profoundly offended by this. Which will more or less confirm the entire characterization of them we find here……

  • Champagne Supernova 13 says:

    Jesus Christ this is some funny stuff 😂😂😂

  • Mansand900 says:

    Jesus was not anti capitalist he was anti crony capitalism

  • Kevin Lee says:

    Blasphemous..

  • sheltomlee says:

    Please make more of these, they are awesome

  • Ben Jones says:

    Jesus was white?

  • some fat loser with no friends or life says:

    This Jesus makes more sense than the biblical one

  • Penny Layne says:

    This is too funny.

  • burtosis says:

    Corinthians 23:24 "Fuckest thou for I hath mine"

  • Jimmy Lewis says:

    LOVE IT!!!!! This is so accurate it's scary. But then, back when Jesus was here, the Republican, er, religious leaders didn't do what they were supposed to do either. They hated Jesus so much they killed him. Does anyone actually think it's any different today? If Jesus came back like they all say they want him too, they would crucify him again if they could. I have a feeling they are all in for a rude awakening.

  • john lee says:

    This is the shit that weighs on my mind the most, but I haven't laughed this hard in a while.

  • Derrick Day says:

    Hilarious!!!

  • Pa M says:

    This Jesus might persuade Ben Shapiro to convert to Christianity.

  • Bob Bob says:

    FUCK YOU YOU GULLIBLE IDIOT!
    ANYONE NOT AFRAID OF THE FACTS CAN FIND OUT WHEN THE ROMANS MADE UP THE STORY OF JESUS TO CONSOLIDATE THE MANY RELIGIOUS FACTIONS INTO ONE MANAGEABLE GROUP, SOME 300 YEARS AFTER JESUS WAS SUPPOSED TO HAVE BEEN CRUCIFIED!! THEY WERE CRUCIFYING SO MANY THAT NO ACCURATE RECORDS WOULD BE AVAILABLE TO COUNTER THE STORY! WORKED TOO! Look at all you christian believers! The Romans knew what Hitler knew when he said the bigger lie will be better believed.
    Had to follow this "like" back to figure out that I hadn't watched the video but was spot on spouting what the video was about.

    I now subbed and owe you billions of money!
    Thanks a whole fuck of a lots.

    Tripolar cause Mania and Depression aren't Enough.

  • DanNMichelle Stephens says:

    Hmm, if only the makers of this video could uphold the standards that they satirically purport to uphold. Witty, possibly, but inherently self-condemning. Have you done a democrat Jesus in which he encourages everyone to kill their unborn children if they are an inconvenience? Then he goes on to tell everyone to remove God from government, schools, homes, and ultimately just says that God doesn't exist at all and we're all just cosmic accidents with no purpose or meaning? I bet that would help win people over to your way of thinking.

  • Synthetic says:

    But muh old testament!

  • CJLinOHIO says:

    This explains a lot about Republicans I did not know they have their own Bible.

  • Gary K says:

    They're religious only when it suits their needs.

  • JR M says:

    Would love to share your GOP Jesus video, but, YouTube frequently precedes it with a no-collusion ad by The Epoch Times. I wouldn't share that crap with anyone.

  • Leslie Killam says:

    BRAVO. Only a person who really knows the Bible can come up with this. It has inspired my fodder for posts for a long, long time.

  • Jebus Hypocristos says:

    If Jesus existed the GOP would find a way to kill him.

  • Jgmatp says:

    THE BEST video of 2018-2019. LOVE IT, share it. Enjoy the laughter.

  • evdawgbeat says:

    Vote Trump

  • nadrojfan says:

    Please make this a mini series!!!

  • * says:

    Mike Pence is this you?

  • Norma Souza-Brien says:

    How blasphemous. Republicans are the party of the devil. One day they will cry for mercy, the day they rot in hell.

  • Deborah Saneda says:

    Spot on throughout. My fundamentalist neighbors are certain to troll this share – and my true Christian friends will howl, or cry – both are approprite

  • Stefan Matic says:

    If Jesus lived today he would be sent to Guantanamo Bay and be waterboarded by GOP.

  • Geoff Williams says:

    Now with the most recent

    "I shall not have to apologise, for I am a stable genius. Thou 4 has been saying bad things about my country and you should go back to yours if you think you can change yours for the better. And lastly, thou 4 should apologize for the most hateful things you have said. If thou has a Nazi chasing you with a tiki torch, trust they are very fine people and you should accept what they say as freedom of speech."

    #NotATrumpSupporter just adding on

  • Media Crawdad says:

    Ew.

  • Tanya Gersh ́s Legs says:

    OK so I guess Jesus would have been in favor of abortion and homosexual marriage.

  • Daniel Garnett says:

    Democrats are so faggy.

  • Peter Krug says:

    Ain't it funny how right-wing evangelicals apparently have never actually read any of Jesus' teachings?

  • Yesi Nichole says:

    YALL. THE END SAID REGULAR JESUS AND IM DEAD.

  • yatespmx says:

    I sort of love you guys.

  • verfed says:

    Funny, but you don't have to be a socialist to be a Christian. Jesus talked of charity within the community, not Rome nationalizing and confiscating all wealth and giving out welfare.

  • Peter Krug says:

    GOP JESUS: "I was hungry and you gave me something to eat. I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink. And behold, now I'm all lazy and entitled. You shouldn't have done that."

    (ONE SCENE LATER)

    RANDOM GUY: "Lord, your followers grow hungry and we have only this fish and bread."

    GOP JESUS: "Oh, sweet!" (GRABS FOOD AND LEAVES)

  • Scion of Madness says:

    That about sums up the Evangelical Trump cult pretty well.

  • Eugene A. Schreder says:

    1:40 betrays what you really think about God: it is the government. Of course Jesus would not have asked who was going to pay for it; He, being God, could do it without using any resources. The government, however, is not God, and therefore needs to take the resources from someone else in order to pay for public healthcare. The difference between you and me is that I know Who God is: He requires me to personally donate to charities, to churches, to individuals in need, to visit the poor, to welcome strangers, and so on. You, however, believe that the government is the Holy Scapegoat, the thing which takes on everyone's burdens in its infinite power and benevolently bestows its good blessings upon all, but that is not how it works. It is no wonder that Christians who are also conservative on average donate far more to charity, adopt far more children, volunteer more for food drives, and are generally more involved in their communities than atheists, and I would venture to guess left-wing Christians.

  • Dream Incubator says:

    More please!..

  • Darkrider says:

    I heard that GOP Jesus was one of the biggest donors to the Trump Campain. Sad!

  • Anne Hendrickson says:

    Republican Party is the Southern Baptist Convention & vice versa. Baptists have been meticulously brainwashed to believe excusing abhorrent behavior is "tolerance" and getting in bed with Neo-Nazis is "inclusion" Spoiler Alert: This shit does not end well.

  • Fgtn Pjln ᄑᄎᄉᄌᄐ says:

    00004/965.8560

  • Fgtn Pjln ᄑᄎᄉᄌᄐ says:

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  • unmesh kher says:

    this is great! spot on.

  • CJLinOHIO says:

    Hilarious!
    And sad, because it's true.

  • MediaMatters IsMyCockHolster says:

    https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2019/09/13/donald-trump-illegal-migration-costs-americans-300-billion-each-year/
    Jesus might have been able to pull infinite fish out of ass, but the U.S. taxpayer cannot.

  • Pendulum Panda says:

    This video aged horribly the moment it came out.

  • Ali Sid says:

    Jesus was basically a Muslim. That's why evangelicals and the GOP try to spread hate against Muslims. They don't want everyone to know that Jesus followed the Islamic values of helping others.

  • Bhagamshi Kannegundla says:

    This is too hilarious but true!!!

  • Everything Except Shoes says:

    I want this to be a weekly series.

  • TCB 101 says:

    I never get tired watching this when I need a good laugh about the loving and caring GOP…

  • Mels InTheKnow says:

    Blind leading the blind, sad.

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